


on the brink of delusion

by ilovesungyeollie



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, One Sided Love, panwinkweek, pwwday2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 01:05:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15718755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilovesungyeollie/pseuds/ilovesungyeollie
Summary: panwink same age, both high school aged. jihoon centric. based on (is) a true story (my story).





	on the brink of delusion

* * *

 

 

they say time heals anything and everything. but when you are stuck in a tornado of overwhelming longing and inevitable anguish, you cannot imagine any possible way out.  
  
\-   
  
park jihoon was young and naive when he first set his eyes on lai guanlin.   
  
tall and handsome, mysterious and unreachable - jihoon was drawn to guanlin like a moth to a burning lamp.   
  
if only jihoon knew that he shouldn't have flown so close.   
  
\-   
  
it was in 8th grade, when most of jihoon's classes were the same as guanlin's, that jihoon realised he liked the other.   
  
back then, liking someone was the most important thing in jihoon's life and everything suddenly revolved around the beautiful dark haired boy.   
  
it was the greatest joy of his existence and the best kept secret of the world.   
  
for a period of time, jihoon basked in the feeling of liking guanlin like it was a crime.   
  
his emotions were light and airy, keeping jihoon afloat amongst the clouds.   
  
stolen glances and fleeting contact were enough to make jihoon happy.   
  
until they weren't.   
  
\-   
  
the end of 8th grade saw jihoon dye his hair blonde on a whim.   
  
on the next day jihoon had entered the classroom with his breath held, acutely aware of everything around him. he was self-conscious, but in the moment when his eyes met guanlin's, everything else faded away.   
  
the two of them were looking at each other and jihoon could barely breathe. his heart pounded in his ears and his face was heating up and he was rooted to the spot.   
  
for those few seconds jihoon waited. he waited for guanlin to say something, to compliment him on his new hair. but the other did not. guanlin simply blinked and turned away.   
  
jihoon was disappointed.   
  
walking to his seat jihoon's mind berated him.   
  
_what were you expecting, really? you guys never even talk. he doesn't even know you. of course he isn't going to suddenly say your hair looks nice._ _  
_   
\-   
  
it was at the annual swimming carnival in 9th grade that things took a turn for the worse.   
  
the day before, jihoon had finally confessed his hidden feelings to his best friends. they had squealed and gushed and were convinced guanlin liked jihoon back.   
  
jihoon was more than skeptical, but in the end his let himself be swept along and went to bed that night dreaming of a fairytale ending.   
  
boredom causes people to overthink and at the swimming carnival, where jihoon and his friends did not participate in any races, the most interesting topic that was jihoon's crush came up once again.   
  
jihoon questioned his friends endlessly.   
  
_are you guys sure he likes me?_ _  
_   
finally, one of jihoon's more outgoing friends stands up.   
  
_i'll go ask him for you._ _  
_   
jihoon opposes the suggestion fervently but eventually relents.   
  
and so, with bated breath, jihoon waited.   
  
when they came back with a sympathetic face, jihoon knew with a sinking heart that he shouldn't have gotten his hopes up.   
  
he laughed it off cooly, burying himself into the book he brought along to read.   
  
but then one of his friends asked him if he was okay, and as jihoon looked up he was suddenly overcome with pain.   
  
that day jihoon cried, for the first time, over a boy who didn't even know him.   
  
\-   
  
10th grade rolled around and jihoon had buried deep in his heart the scars from the year before.   
  
he should've learnt from his past mistakes, but alas, jihoon was a boy who loved with his heart and not his mind.   
  
the weeks before valentine's day, their student committee had roses to pre-order for the occasion.   
  
jihoon was resolutely not going to give away his feelings. yet for some unknown reason he expected with his entire being, a rose from the object of his affections.   
  
maybe it was because of that one time guanlin spoke to him. or that time when guanlin had flashed his earth shattering smile at jihoon and jihoon was in a daze for the rest of the day.   
  
but either way, once again, jihoon was not prepared for the devastation he felt when, on valentine's day, he did not receive a single rose.   
  
later on jihoon discovered guanlin had bought multiple roses for his close female friends.   
  
_so_ , jihoon thought bitterly, _it's not that guanlin didn't buy any roses, it's that he didn't buy any for me._   
  
of course he didn't.   
  
\-   
  
their 11th grade semi-formal was on a cruise.   
  
the boat was decorated beautifully and the line of skyscrapers sparkled stunningly against the night sky.   
  
guanlin was dressed gorgeously in a lavender coloured shirt and stylishly upswept hair.   
  
for most of the night jihoon talked and laughed with his friends, forgetting for a short period about his crush.   
  
then it was the last dance of the night; the slow dance.   
  
jihoon expressed his desire to dance with guanlin, and after seeing the boy in question was sitting down, jihoon's friends pushed him over.   
  
jihoon wanted to run, but guanlin had noticed him already.   
  
gulping down his fears, jihoon took the plunge and spoke up.   
  
_do you want to dance?_   
  
guanlin smiles politely.   
  
_i don't know how to._   
  
i don't know either. jihoon replies nervously.   
  
apparently the answer was enough because guanlin rises and the two of them shuffle awkwardly onto the dance floor. 

they stand there, in the middle of the dance floor with a noticeable space between them. jihoon places his hands gingerly on guanlin’s shoulders while guanlin holds him lightly by the waist.

for the whole five minutes that they stood there and swayed, jihoon was as stiff as a stick with a racing heart.

he could stay like that forever but he knew his time was short. so with trembling breaths and fluttering eyelashes jihoon tried to imprint in his memories, the warm feeling of being in guanlin’s arms.

when the song came to an end, guanlin stepped away and looked at jihoon.

_i’m sorry._

with just two words jihoon felt his heart shatter. tears sprung to his eyes but he forced them back. instead jihoon gave guanlin a small smile.

_thank you._

jihoon waited. he forced himself through the rest of the evening and all the way home, until he was wrapped safely in his blankets. it was only then that he let himself break down, sobbing into his pillow.

and for a second time, over a boy who didn't even know him, jihoon cried.

-

despite everything, jihoon just couldn’t let guanlin go and in 12th grade he let his imagination run away from him once again.

it was a lazy afternoon and some seniors were hanging out in the common room. guanlin was entertaining a group of girls when jihoon walked in.

guanlin turned and sent jihoon a smile in greeting while jihoon waved back shyly.

jihoon joined the group, only to realise that guanlin had been practising his pick up lines.

_does anyone know English?_

the girls all shake their heads and jihoon finds himself as the only one who did. guanlin turns to him in excitement, shooting a line at him in almost fluent english.

_you are beautiful._

guanlin looked right into jihoon’s eyes as he uttered those words and jihoon felt his heart stop. for the first time jihoon felt like he was in a movie; where time stopped and everything faded away.

in that moment, for a second, jihoon felt wanted.

he was acutely aware of how his cheeks burned and his heart thumped.

then the moment passed and jihoon remembered where he was.

he gives a nod and praises guanlin’s english skills before making a quick exit.

why did he have to be such a big dreamer?

-

it’s the first year of university and jihoon has grown from an impressionable teenager to a confident young adult.

and his feelings for guanlin - what used to be sunshine and rainbows and warm tinglings was now constant pain and yearning.

jihoon attended the same university as guanlin, but in a place as big as that, they never crossed paths. yet jihoon still found his mind wondering about guanlin more often than not.

he wants to hit himself. why was it just _so_ hard to forget about guanlin? as jihoon’s friends had repeatedly noted, jihoon barely even knew guanlin. in the entire six years of high school, jihoon barely spoke two sentences to guanlin.

one day, jihoon was with some new university friends. they walk into the law library to look for free seats and jihoon’s heart lurches when his eyes land on a particularly familiar face.

there guanlin is, sitting inside a booth, surrounded by a bunch of girls. guanlin looks pleased with himself as the girls next to him giggle.

jihoon’s heart squeezes as he forces himself to look away and follow his friends upstairs. as he sits down with them, jihoon tries to laugh along with their jokes but his mind is still stuck downstairs.

minutes later jihoon stands up and makes a flimsy excuse before walking briskly out of the library. his eyes catch onto guanlin’s form again and jihoon suddenly feels overwhelmingly upset.

tears build up in his eyes and his chest tightens and jihoon just feels so annoyed and frustrated and hurt. he storms out, caught in his own world of misery.

he walks along the main walkway of the university, trying to level his breathing and hold his tears back. he ends up near some large stairs where he plops down. the pathways are still teeming with students so he tries not to look like a wreck.

jihoon sits there and looks into the distance for a long time with a blank mind until he calms down.

then, out of nowhere jihoon feels a tap on his shoulder and he turns in surprise to see a guy dressed in royal robes with a crown on his head.

_i’m already the king of westeros but i also want to be the king of your heart._

jihoon blinks, not comprehending. he figured it was a pick up line but he was very confused.

turns out it was in reference to a popular television show which jihoon hadn’t seen yet. the guy explains that he was filming for a video and jihoon ends up having a nice conversation with him.

after the guy leaves, jihoon finds himself feeling much better than earlier. his heart is lighter and a pleasant warmth fills his chest as he thinks back to that encounter.

and jihoon thinks, maybe it will be okay after all.

-

time heals anything and everything. it’s imperceptible and slow and you will always remember the pain, but your heart will heal and you will come out the other side stronger. always.

-

 

_there was a time when i thought i loved you more than anything. but now i realise you are nothing more than a bittersweet memory._

 


End file.
